Confusion

Today I feel sad, upset, furious, so many mixed feelings, I mean, why is it that I always have to be attached to the wrong people, why do I have to always be punished for things that I did not do, and maybe did not mean to. I wish mom was here, I’m so lonely, it feels as if she just passed away, my heart is beating so fast I cannot breathe anymore. I always ask myself, why did she have to go and not me? I mean my life has no meaning, I have no one, but she had the rest of us. My heart hurts so bad, but I know I will get over it soon, I'm use to disappointment, and I know when something good happens to me, it will always end up bad. People say that I'm strong, maybe this is what they see, but the truth is I never fear anything but no one knows that when some one hurts me I seldome show my tears I'll just lock my door dive into my bed and silently cry, deep inside I'm weaker than a new born. I wish I was strong and careless, maybe if I was I wouldn't care to much or get attached, but then I cannot change myself, this is a curse that I have to live with. I love to be with people and the people that I love always tend to push me away, I don't know why? I wish I could understand why!! I have loved someone so much, but suddenly he disappeared and never said goodbye, up to this day I have no idea why he left. I have noticed this always happens to me, I think that when I was born some fair lady cursed me with being unloved and not wanted by anyone, especially the ones that I love. I thought I was ok and doing fine after a long battle with divorce and my mom's sickness and her death, but no, good things will never last for me, and If you could see through my eyes, you'll see a tear fall as I hide my fear from the rest of the world so no one will ever know how hurt I am.